Bipolar Check-in #85

I'm going to ask my psychiatrist at my next appointment if I can switch to wellbutrin full-time and just get off sertraline because I can't handle the side effect I'm experiencing from it anymore!!! I've had enough! I am sick of being dysfunctional! Tonight was the last straw! This is unacceptable. I don't have an appointment with her until January 20th unfortunately, but I have an appointment with my therapist tomorrow morning and I'm going to see if I can get in to see her sooner. This is an emergency. I am DYING here!!!! I can't stand this anymore!!!!

In other news... today was much more productive than yesterday. Got up at 2:30AM. Typed four pages in my journal, took a shower, did my cleaning chores. Didn't get to the ezine submissions unfortunately because I was hanging out with my husband and we got all our Christmas wrapping done, but I'll have time tomorrow since he has work all day.

I AM JUST COMPLETELY FED UP RIGHT NOW!!!

@Blueberrybook and @JaneOnceMore yeah you’re both right. I think I’m just gonna not go to this appointment, go to sleep, and find a new dentist at some point that doesn’t do their cleanings that early in the day. I also don’t feel comfortable walking down the street in 20 degree weather in the pitch dark by myself to my appointment. I don’t live in a good neighborhood, at all. LOTs of illegal stuff going on around here. And just sketchy people in general that sometimes approach which is scary especially in the dark by myself. Have had drunk/high guys hit on me before when walking home from work alone at 3am and it’s pretty much the same even when it’s light out here.

So I’m gonna find a better dentist. One that doesn’t make stupid schedules where they only do cleanings at 6:45am.

I needed to find a better one anyway. They’re probably one of the worst you can go to around here but I go cause they take my insurance. There’s others that probably do I’d just need to research it. If I had to I’d pay for an uber if it was somewhere further than walking distance. It actually might be worth it in the long run.

I just took my night meds now at half past midnight. Gonna try to get to sleep around 2am and just let myself sleep as long as I’m able to. I can’t deal with another all nighter. I already started feeling crappy just staying up past 10pm and I know it’ll only get worse tomorrow if I don’t sleep.

I’m also kinda sick of this dentist cause they don’t seem to know what they’re doing. My brand new crown I got a year ago has popped off 3 times in the past 4 months. The last time they put it back on it came off again in two weeks. That shouldn’t be happening to a crown that’s a year old.

What does it mean?!?

Cat on the chair, blue skies at quarter to 1am, burnt my finger because toaster strudels and boredom... we're all heading somewhere. Is it to the heavens? Is it to the lair of the mole people?

Maybe Count Dracula will help. Or I'll listen to Dragula. I got a feeling of anger 'cause my mom didn't use a hanger. This dude I'm dating is giving off huge "my dad" vibes and that's not good, but I love it. "Because nobody loves you, they just try to fk you, and put you on a feature on the B side"

anndddd end scene. I'll be here all night people because I DON'T FEEL like taking the trazodone that's probably giving me nightmares and I prefer NOT to be the center of attention in the basement every night thank you very much.

I switched to every week from every other week with my therapist. Too much going on right now.

I've been up since 2AM and I'm fcking AGITATED. I wrote in my journal and took a shower, hoping it would help me calm down, but it didn't. I need to get some sleep or I'm going to be dragging *** at my appointment at 10:30AM, but I'm WIDE AWAKE. UGH. FCK!!!!!

Ugh I slept ok but I kept waking up every hour after 1 because of this bump on my head. It really hurts and I'm not even touching it. And being without music is hard too. But my headphones will be here today.

I slept maybe two hours.

I don't know what it is with sleep for us all lately. I could have slept better last night too, could have been worse I guess. I also woke up at 2 AM but then dozed off and on until 5 AM. Maybe it's the full moon approaching? I think the next one is Dec. 15.

I feel physically like a truck ran me over this morning. I did pilates instead of power walking and even though it was a gentle pilates video, it was still tiring for me. Though I almost fell asleep during the final stretches at the end of the video. Took care of the cats, had a shower, brewing my coffee now and will probably play some on my iPad before using the SAD lamp. Hope I have a better day than yesterday, but I had skipped my night meds Wed. night (sometimes I feel I don't need them and always I'm wrong, but it doesn't stop me trying now and again).

Hitch, cute purse and LOOOOOVE the shoes! Swoon!

That's about how I feel

Finally got to sleep at 5. It's 9 now and I got up to pee but I'm hoping to go back to sleep for a while. My meds are still making me sleepy at this time on a day I didn't take 3 PRNS in the night.


Maybe it is the full moon. It was definitely a bright moon when I was trying to lay in the dark to see if that would make me fall asleep.

I ended up sleeping last night. Woke up around 9am today. Feeling excited for the holidays!!

Today I’m just doing my regular stuff. Violin, treadmill, read etc. tomorrow I need to go to the pharmacy to pick up my meds. Sunday I have a volunteer shift with the cat rescue. Then Monday I need to go down to the social security office to give them the paperwork signed by my psychiatrist for me to become my own payee.

Now I need to journal and write my quarterly goals for the year of 2025

Do you play games on your iPad? What kinds of games? I love games. I play on my iPhone, my tablet, my laptop, my Xbox one , and my Nintendo Switch.

It was too cloudy to see the moon last night, but the sky was BRIGHT through the clouds regardless!

Yeah, I got like three hours last night too. My tum tum is mad at me today!!! I think it’s this frozen pizza I tried. It was gross, and I had microwaved leftovers yesterday purely for the pineapple.

I gotta figure out relationship stuff. Things are okay, I think, but that fearful avoidant attachment style, man…

I feel terrible from lack of sleep. I have this irrational overwhelming feeling of guilt.

Muddy if the guy is giving you your dad vibes ,….run. You need less chaos not more. Less drugs not more.

I added the moon tracker app to my home screen. My new years resolution is to get out and see thr full moon every month, starting this month. You guys inspired me.

Blue bird, thanks for the shower story. You inspire me so much with your violin practice.

All I really meant is he just has a similar sense of humor as my dad (I mean, it's kinda vulgar and cruel, but frankly it's hot, and nothing as extreme as my dad like his bestiality jokes). He hasn't drank since April, only drug he does is MJ and even that he's taking a break from right now. I'm worried I'm the bad influence on him! (Not really)

Trust me, this dude is wayyy better than porn-star dude . Also better than my "Thanksgiving tour."

Except the "I want love/intimacy/affection; I'm afraid of love/intimacy/affection" is going RAMPANT all up in my carbon.

edit: totally possible I'm looking at red flags as gates on a slalom course (BANG 'EM! ). To be fair, the guy did make fun of me for falling out of a tree and breaking my leg and shoved me into a locker when we were in school. That was also 15 years ago though.

Had my therapy appointment. Therapist still bothering me to make an appointment with my GP to talk about my hormones. Trying NOT to be agitated about this, but it's hard. She made me promise to make an appointment before our next appointment in a week. I don't even know what I'm supposed to call and SAY. "Yeah, um, I'm having some sexual dysfunction and think I need to have my hormones checked..." That's fudging EMBARRASSING. 😳 It's just the stupid sertraline. My hormones are fine. My GP is just going to tell me it's the sertraline and that I need to talk to my psychiatrist. I KNOW that's what she's going to say!

Ugh. FCK!!!

Oh, good news is that I called and managed to get an appointment with my psychiatrist on January 13th, so a bit earlier. Better than the fudging 21ST!!!

@raspberrytorte - I think when they check certain of your hormones they like to do it at a particular point in your cycle, and it tends to work out easier to have a gynecologist run those types of tests. Unless you're talking things like thyroid, then of course, the GP can easily run & interpet those.

My refrigerator is having major problems. And we are having major plumbing work done in the backyard. Part of our sewer main that connects to the city's sewer has completely disingretated or been torn up; at any rate there is not much but a dirt berm running between them. The diggers took all day yesterday, and the plumbers arrived late today. Thank God, I convinced H to work at home today so he doesn't have me supervising the plumbers. The good news about the refrigerator is that H is so sick of it having problems (and problems he can't easily solve unlike my washing machine) that he has said he's done with it, and he ordered a new refrigerator to be delivered next Wed. Thank God! This refrigerator has been a piece of crap! I will be so glad to be rid of it!

Been stressed with the stuff going on. Heading to the library soon with my daughter, going to stop and deposit some smaller checks H gets doing part-time advising in an engineering dept. at a nearby college since they don't direct deposit. Not too much money, only $900 for 3 months but between the plumbing, a new refrigerator, Christmas, my daughter's birthday, a dental crown, 3 cavities filled for my daughter, and getting our new cat taken care of, we have been burning through money.

Not too many games. I need stuff without too much thought. Mostly I do the coloring app Happy Color, while listening to documentaries on TV or to music. Sometimes word games. Are there simple games you play? I don't like anything too complicated.

I feel kinda blah physically today. At least I think its physical. I had to renew my ID which was really stressing me out but the DMV was empty and I was in and out fast without an issue. So I worried for no reason. Then I went to the grocery store without any anxiety.

I'm just worn out and tired now. My stomach has been fine all day though.

This drone stuff is super freaky though.

There’s a puzzle game called flow that’s really simple and pretty relaxing. 99.9% of the games I play though are a lot more complicated like large in depth role playing games, open world games, action games, trading card games (rules in TCG like magic the gathering etc and get complicated) adventure games, life sim games , story heavy games, etc

Occasionally I’ll play candy crush or angry birds stuff like that but I’m just so into the more in depth games so I don’t play those as often

That does remind me though I do have the Happy Color app on my tablet I downloaded a few months ago but haven’t tried yet

There was a word game I used to play years ago on iOS called Word Cookies

Oh I’m for the simple games too. I like my coloring app and mah Jong solitaire the best. I just want to zone out. My grandson plays those complex games.

Got my errands done. Forgot to order my ambien but I’ll be fine until Monday. I have extra and tomorrow when they are ready we’re expecting and ice storm. They say rain, snow, sleet and ice! So I’m not going anywhere until Monday.

Bought flowers for the table. A nice Christmasy bouquet. That’s my major decoration for the holidays I don’t feel like getting the angels out or the tree.

Oh, oy, I’m really missing that temporary parking spot I had. The walk and the stairs really do a number on my back. Fortunately I can stop at the front and put all my stuff in a cart and wheel it inside under a camera where it’s fine until I can walk up from the back to get it and take it up to my apartment.

I had trouble getting to sleep again but once I was asleep I did fine, waking late again. Interesting mild dreams, of being up north.

I hope everyone sleeps well tonight May the sandman come.